Maria, Maria, Let Down Your Hair!
by Era-Age
Summary: This is what happens when you watch Shrek, read Romeo and Juliet again, and have a dream of Altair acting like a total goof. Aha.. Yeah.. I rate this M for how ridiculous it is and to be safe . Altair/Maria of course.


Alright. This is my apology to all of my readers because 'Loving Hate' is gonna have to wait another week until I can look at it again. I'm barely done with just one scene for my outline of chapter 5. I'm sorry I'm a failure T.T

So, yeah... thus, I make this... story? I guess you can call it that. There's some Shrek, Snow White, Romeo and Juliet... the perfect recipe for disaster. Yeah. So, without further ramblings from me...

Try not to die while reading this o.o

* * *

_"Come in, my student. We have much to discuss." The ever familiar voice of Al Mualim echoed off of his study as Sir Altair approached him. The Assassin was clad in shining bright armor that glinted from the sunlight dancing across him. Sir Altair bowed before his master and remained kneeled on the floor before him._

_"Master... my ears are all yours."_

_Al Mualim nodded. He was a far more superior Knight. While Altair had only slayed a lizard, Al Mualim had slayed a dragon. But, that was many moons ago-- before he became a wrinkly prune. "There is evil at work in the land of the East. It has come across my attention that a Knight with the name of Robert de Sable is holding someone hostage."_

_"You need only tell me where this man is and I'll give you his intestines!" Sir Altair rose from his pose and saluted Al Mualim. "FOR THE BROTHERHOOD!!"_

_"Calm, calm. This is not a simple matter--"_

_Unsheathing his sword, he pointed up to the ceiling. "I will rescue this hostage! I will slay this man! You can count on--"_

_"SIR ALTAIR!!!" Upon hearing his name bellowed so loudly, he quickly quieted down. "Altair, this is not a simple matter. The hostage, is... well.."_

_"Who is the hostage? Is it one of our own?"_

_"Oh, dear, no! If it was one of our own, I'd have sent Malik!" Al Mualim looked appalled at Altair for saying such a thing. In return, the latter gasped and crossed his arms over his chest._

_"Then out with it, oldie! Who is this hostage?"_

_"It is a woman--"_

_"FEAR NOT, AL MUALIM!" He placed his hands on his hips and stuck his chin out in the air. "THIS WOMAN SHALL BE SLAYED AS WELL!"_

_"NO!!!! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO KILL THE LADY!!!!" The older man wheezed and coughed into his sleeve._

_"Yes, Master. Ehh, why is she important again?"_

_"Because... -wheeze- ...she's... -wheeze- ...the... -wheeze- princess... -aspirin- ... of .... -epipen- England!" He gasped and hunched over his desk, shoulders sagging. Altair looked startled, but only from the news, not from his master's condition._

_He whined and stamped his foot. "But, I don't __**want**__ to rescue a princess! Besides, Malik told me the princess of England was butt ugly!"_

_Gathering himself back up, Al Mualim towered over Altair. "DON'T GIVE ME AN ATTITUDE, JUST GO DO IT!!!!" _

_Thus, Sir Altair skipped out of Al Mualim's study and to his not-so-faithful-steed, Adha._

* * *

"Ghahahahahaha! What is this? Princess Maria Thorpe of England? Trapped in a castle? And, who was the brave, daring, dashing, intelligent, handsome--"

"Oh, don't flatter yourself." Princess Maria Thorpe of England groaned and rolled her eyes. He had been saying this same line all day long. She had lost count after thirty-two.

"Mwahahahaaha! What's the matter? Afraid no one will come rescue you?"

"I don't expect anyone will. I mean, if someone were to _hear_ your voice, their ears would melt and head explode."

"Ahahahaahahaha! I can smell your weakness!"

"And I can smell your bad breath."

Maria Thorpe and her captor were in the tower that she was placed in. She was chained to a bed while he was free to roam around and scream his idiotic statements randomly. The Knight was bald (something that Maria made sure he knew) with a scar on the right side of his egghead. He had a ghastly hooked nose and squinty eyes. It reminded her of the stories her mother used to tell her of witches and how they used to capture pretty girls, such as herself, and torture them.

She now knew what the torture was.

"Ahahaahahahaha!!!" He laughed insanely again and threw his arms up into the air. As if to encourage his behavior, a dramatic lightning effect illuminated the room from outside. It was raining out. Was this clichéd or what? "You're trembling with fear, I can see it!"

"I'd call it trembling from being frozen! SHUT THE DAMN WINDOW!"

He kneeled over his prisoner and took her chin in his hands. She shook her head and bit at his hand, but he pulled away from her. "You'll learn to love me, princess. They all do."

"Which is why I can see I'm the only one here.."

He brought his hand to his chest and frowned at her. "Hey! All great bad guys have to start _somewhere_! And what's more perfect than to capture a damsel in distress?"

She rolled her eyes at him again. "I wasn't a damsel in distress until, gee, I don't know, yesterday! It all began when I was in my room, combing my hair, when I heard this most _disgusting, demonic attempt at singing_ come from outside! Naturally, I shut the window."

"If you would have cooperated and have been wooed by my beautiful voice..!" He humphed and crossed his arms defiantly. "I would not have resorted to kidnapping you!"

"_Wooed? Beautiful?_ MAKING A GIRL'S EARS BLEED IS NOT THE WAY TO WIN HER HEART! Next time, try buying her flowers or something like that." She squinted at him and stuck her tongue out. Just then, a lightbulb appeared over his head and lit up when an idea came to mind. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a bouquet of roses and presented them to her with a toothy smile.

"How 'bout now? Do ya love me?" He smushed the roses in her face and she sneezed from the scent.

"Oh, yeah, I love you... I'D LOVE TO CRUSH YOU!!!"

"Now, now, it's traditional for the man to be on top, not the--"

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" She shook the roses off of her and frowned once more. "I cannot be won over by simple flowers, fool!"

"Then what? What can I do for you to love me?" He got down on his hands and knees and gave her a puppy-dog-eye'd stare.

"Nothing." She smiled and averted her gaze elsewhere.

"Then what man will you fall for?"

"I do not _fall_, I am merely _caught_. But, since you asked... Well, for starters, he has to have hair. His eyes have to be brown, not blue like yours."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING BALD AND HAVING BLUE EYES??????"

"Because I don't like bald people. And as for the blue eyes, they look too much like my eyes. Continuing: they have to have brown hair, tanned skin, a scar on their lip--"

"Tanned skin? What, do you want to marry a Mexican?!"

She looked dumbfounded. "What's... a Mexican?"

He was about to reply when he scratched his chin. "I'm.. I don't know... What _is_ a Mexican..?" They both thought this over.

-5 minutes later-

"I think it's a culture..." Maria whispered to herself as she pondered over what he had said.

"Pah, no, you silly girl! It is obviously a type of cuisine!"

* * *

Altair raced to the Land of the East at full speed on his chubbalub horsey, Adha. She had a tendency to stick her tongue out while riding and to make funny "heeeeyaaaahhh" sounds as well. He did not care though! This steed had served him well over the years (before the horse turned 20 years old), and he was determined to keep her as his riding method.

The landscape changed from deserts to grassy hills, and from that, to a jungle and then to a beach. It seemed that days have past, but merely only twenty seconds from when you first started reading his point of view had past.

He galloped throughout the land until the smell of brimstone reached his nostrils. Pulling Adha to a stop, he surveyed his surroundings. The entire place was covered in stone, and on the stone was a ginormous castle that made Sir Altair's jaw hit the floor in awe.

Adha's tongue hit the floor as well.

"Never fear, my little pony!" He pat Adha on the back and she coughed up last night's dinner. He sighed and dismounted her. "... You should stay here while I handle this." He walked away from her and strolled further into the location. There was a rickety bridge that looked like it would collapse at any given time.

"By hummus! Al Mualim's back is in better condition than this thing!" He held his head high once more. "No matter! I will cross this bridge!" That is, he had determination before he saw the yellow-orange-red gooey substance below the bridge. "And, what's this? Had someone melted cheese here? That's a peculiar way to warn someone away from a castle. Ho ho!" He cleared his throat and took a few steps back for a running start. "Adha, drumroll!"

The horse obeyed and out of nowhere a pair of pimpin' sunglasses appeared on the horse and a baseball hat turned sideways magically 'poof'!ed on her head. A pair of snare drums and drumsticks appeared next to her and she began her fabulous drumroll.

Instead of running, Altair began skipping toward the bridge with a giddy smile on. "La la la, la-la-la-la, la la la, la-la-la-la!"

It was amazing.

It was breathtaking.

It was absolutely ridiculous (just like this sad excuse of a fanfiction).

He skipped across the bridge singing that dreadful 'song'. Making it to the other side miraculously in one piece, he composed himself. He was once again serious Altair-- the Altair that did not take any crap from anyone. He arrogantly strolled his way into the castle and into the courtyard.

"She'll be in the tallest tower," He said aloud. "Of course. Because all the time in these stupid fairytales, it's _always_ the tallest tower. Why can't this be like Snow White?"

* * *

"Oh, just _stop it_!" Princess Maria groaned again from her captor's stupid behavior. He had pulled out puppets of her and himself and was acting a sickening scene out before her eyes.

"_Oh, Robert!"_ In a highpitched girly voice, he attempted to sound like Maria. "_I loooove you!"_

"Oh, Maria!" In a deep masculine voice, he attempted to sound like... him..self? "I love you too!" He put the two puppets' heads together and made sucking sounds from his mouth.

She stared in disbelief. "First of all... I AM NOT BLONDE! HOW DARE YOU MAKE THAT DOLL BLONDE IF IT IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE ME! Second of all.. You will never get a woman if you intend to suck her lips off." She closed her eyes and humphed, wishing that she was not chained to the bed. At least it was comfortable.

He whimpered and threw the dolls to the side. "What can I possibly do to make you mine, then?"

"As I said before, nothing."

"But--"

"La la la la, I'm not listening!"

"FINE! BE THAT WAY, YOU... YOU... **YOU!!!!**" He was about to leave when she spoke up.

"Wait! There is... _one_ thing that may _possibly_ win me over..." She gulped. She had to play her cards just right.

He scooted back to her and smiled hopefully. "Anything for you!"

She had to handle this very delicately... She sighed. "Unchain me, dammit."

"Of course, my love!" He produced the keys from his pocket and quickly unchained her. "... But you're still locked in here. Toodles!" He sprinted out of her room and locked the door behind him. "Gnahahahaaha!!!!"

She shook her head and flexed her wrists. _That felt much better.._ She made her way over to her balcony. Her mother had always said that when she was in trouble to act like she needed someone. Well, all she needed was a wrecking ball to get out of the place, but she'd have to settle with what she was about to do now.

"O Altair, Altair! Wherefore art thou Altair? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Thorpe." She paused and looked out at the moon, the silent pattering of rain barely audible to her. "Tis but thy name that is my enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Ibn-La'ahad. What's Ibn-La'ahad? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. So Altair would, were he not Altair called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Altair, doff thy name; and for thy name, which is no part of thee, take all myself."

* * *

A familiar voice made Altair look up at the tall tower as he was examining the perimeter of it. _Was that...? Maria?_ He shook his head. Al Mualim did not say that it was _Maria_ being captured! He smiled and called up to her.

"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Maria is the sun! Arise, fair--"

"Oh, Altair! The heavens must shine on me today! I've missed you so..." She craned her neck down over her window and held her hand out to him. He held his hand out to her, but the 400 feet that separated them could not be crossed by a mere two arms' length.

"Maria.." He whispered, but she could still hear him (somehow). "Had I known 'twas you here, I would have arrived sooner.. I've missed you more than a man misses football season."

She sighed and stared dreamily down at him.

He sighed and stared dreamily up at her.

-5 hours later-

"Maria, how do I get up there?"

"You can't from the outside, but you can from the inside. Although.."

"Robert de Sable is here, is he not? Do not worry, Maria! I will be back!" He dashed away from the tower and entered back inside the castle and climbed the many many many many stairs.

* * *

"Oh, Mariaaaaaa!" Robert's horrid singing voice filled her ears once more as he entered her room with a tray of two cups. "I brought you some tea, my dear! It's your favorite!"

She stepped back inside her room from her balcony and took a cup in her hand. "Thank you... but..."

"But what?"

She sighed. "I'm on a diet! Are you TRYING to make me fat?" She placed the cup back on the girly pink tray and turned her back sharply at him.

"N-no! I am not! I..." He paused for a moment. "Sure, the dress you're wearing does make your butt look rather bulbous, but I'm sure if we give it to a tailor--"

She turned around and her eyes flared with anger. "_Bulbous.._?"

He cleared his throat and set the tray down. "Bulbous: Adjective. Bulb-shaped or bulging."

"_I know what it means! I can't believe you have the nerve to-- ggghh!_" Before she could say another word, he emptied her tea down her throat. She hacked and was about to retort when she suddenly went limp and landed softly back on her bed.

"Gnahahaahahaha!!! It worked!"

"What worked?" Altair stood in the doorway, arrogantly leaning against the frame.

Without turning to face the new figure, Robert continued speaking. "While I was brewing her tea, a wonderful idea came into my mind! I thought about how she never would love me-- at least, not on her own. So, I decided she needed a little help! So, my hand somewhat slipped a potion into the tea, you see! Thus, whoever kisses her first will be the person she loves for all eternity!!!" He raised his arms in the air for his last statement and waited until a dramatic lightning effect occurred outside again.

Altair just stared at him. And he thought _he_ was ridiculous.

". . . READYSETGO!!!" Robert ran to Maria, puckering his lips out, but his mouth soon met a fist from Sir Altair. The Knight wobbled backwards and smiled. One by one, his teeth slowly fell out.

Altair chuckled and tied the man up with the bedsheets. He then made his way back to his beautiful Maria.

He stretched his hand out and gently stroked her black silken strands of hair away from her elegant fair face. He knelt over her and slowly lowered his mouth to hers.

"You know, I don't like soft kisses.." she mumbled against his lips. He pulled back and grinned at her. She smirked at him and drowsily opened her eyes. "I always thought they were... _pathetic._"

"I never knew you preferred aggressive mouths..." He dipped himself to her mouth again and kissed her softly one more, much to her annoyance. She pushed him off of her and looked at Robert.

"Oh, GOD.. Please get _him_ out of here... You have no idea what I've been through.. Nightmare... nightmare..." She groaned and rubbed her forehead in frustration. He followed her orders and casually dropped him from the balcony window into the pavement 400 feet below. He walked back to Maria and wrapped his arms around her.

"Stay a while..?" She kept her eyes to his mouth, only glancing at his eyes now and then as her hands found their way up the back of his shirt.

He smirked and brought his mouth closer to hers. "How could I say no?"

* * *

My retarded gift (please, pardon me for this crap I've produced within 30 minutes. I got hit in the head with a random basketball today).


End file.
